The last few months had been tiring. People are tiring; this is the fourth or fifth time I typed it. I. Am. Tired.
It’s not that they are completely irritating — well sometimes, maybe — but I think it’s more about me. I’m the type of person who is outgoing and all that, yet if I keep on dealing with the same people again and again and again and again, I got tired. INFP, I am an INFP; an ambivert, actually, 51% Introverted, 49% Extroverted. And I need a time off. From just everyone. Physically.
So here I am. Done with Netflix’s current hit, 13 Reasons Why (I finished a series on three days!), and also done with tidying up my desk and shelves above it. Completely alone, with my boyfriend currently travelling. Again.
I’ve been away from writing. I’ve been thinking a lot about a lot of things though, I just haven’t had the right words to accomodate them. I don’t have the structure, to be precise.
I’ve been wanting this me time for a long time. I thought I deserved it. I was reminded, by being in a long distance relationship, living alone (even though it’s almost three years that I’ve been residing in Melbourne) and gradually growing older, that, no matter how close you are with someone, no matter how much you think your bestfriend cared for you, no matter how much you pray, even; if at 3 AM you feel like shit, all you have is you. YOU. Yourself. All I have is myself. Me.
And throughout these few months — oh for fuck’s sake, throughout my whole life — that self I am talking about is never in first place.
It’s always someone else. Or something else.
I realised I’ve been very lenient to people; being there for them, being nice to them, being the person they wanted me to be. This time, I’ll be there for me. I’ll be my own bestfriend, I’ll love me first.
Don’t get me wrong; I don’t hate on people. All kinds of people have the potential to be amazing.
I can be amazing, too, can I? (despite everything) (giving myself some self-love) (and the support I’ve been giving to everyone but me)
I was very preoccupied by the organisation I was in during these last few months, I didn’t even have the time to put things back to their places. The suitcase I was using two weeks ago when I went to Singapore stayed open on the floor since I’ve been back. My clothes piled up unproperly on my study chair, my bags were stacked on my only bean bag. Not to mention my floor……..I’ll stop right here.
I went on and tidied up old letters and brochures I once carelessly throwed on a fabric drawer I used as a storage. I pulled back and read some from my special ones; it made me miss them even more. And I’ve been searching for these two jewellery I received as gifts: a bracelet with the word “smile” on it, and a pair of customised earrings. Though I am no longer close with the two people who gave me those things, I feel very bad for losing them. I wish someday those things could just re-appear….
OKAY let’s go back to the main topic. Which was…..not being narcissistic, if you’re about to judge me like that, but yeah, this post is about me. Myself. (and I)
Which I want to love more.
February last year, I decided to do the same; to go over someone who I thought was important. During the past year I’ve been very grateful that he set me free. And during the past year, too, I discovered more things about myself (thanks to someone who shared his experience discovering himself for the very first time, you know who you are).
One word: weird.
I am weird. Somehow I’ve always felt that I was different. I am different. This is not a coming-out post, either, but I am different. I have opinions that are disagreed by most people. I don’t like things most people like. I prefer assignments than exams; 80% weight on final exams causes me too much anxiety, not to mention a recent mid-sem paper I went through. I prefer research than practical things. I prefer talking to people harshly but truly than sugar-coating something that could have been improved. Probably I just have OCD, or just very insecure, or just very critical or just…..you name it.
I’m me, alright.
Besides, Easter is about new beginnings, anyway, right?
Happy Easter, to you who celebrate. Bless.
peace out, gg.