A Letter to Grandma

Saturday, 28 February 2017

Hi, Oma.
I hope you are fine.
Did you receive the flowers your youngest daughter & I gave to you several weeks ago? And the jasmines we gave out earlier today? We hope you did. I hope you did.
Kiong hi, Oma! It’s been two years since my last Chinese New Year here back home. I was in Melbourne during these past years. I remember last year was a very lonely one for me.

How is it there, Oma, in Heaven?
Today your daughters mentioned you a lot. One of them mentioned how you used to cook them pork, the other mentioned how much you loved the flower jasmine. They got me thinking about you, too. Visiting your residence again after a very long time sparked many beautiful, beautiful childhood memories of mine; of which I spent in your house, with two of your grandsons. They are men now, with girlfriends.
I remember how you used to give me Kopiko candies, how you greeted us with your warmest smile; your face wrapped neatly by your fresh, curly hair, every time we came to spend our Friday night. Since you’re gone, it seems that there is no reason to visit anymore…
Yeah, it’s quite sad.
I still go to your favorite restaurant though, with the boys and their girls two weeks ago. Too bad my boyfriend couldn’t join us. I always say it is your favorite place to celebrate your birthday. It’s also been so long since the full family had eaten there.
I miss you, Oma.

Since you’re gone, the family isn’t as strong. I heard there was some kind of flinch between your children a few years back. I think they’re okay now. Nevertheless, if I’m not here, they’ll probably not meet for Chinese New Year; and it saddened me. What am I supposed to do, Oma? You’re watching us from up there, aren’t you?

I wonder what questions you would utter to me if you’re still here. Probably you’ll be as excited as them; asking me how do I like Melbourne, the living, the food, the atmosphere. Probably you’ll be thrilled in updating me on my cousins; how the eldest is an aspiring doctor, the other son is too, enrolled in one of the greatest university in Indonesia, and the other girl now had grown so tall, even taller than me. All grown up.
I wonder would you still give out Kopiko candies to this 20 year-old me. I’m 21 this year, Oma! Can time go even faster!

But coming back to my question. How is it there, Oma?
Do you meet Jesus often? Do you meet Engkong? Do you meet your parents, even? How is it there?
If you do meet Jesus, can I ask you a favor, Oma?
Can you ask Him whether or not He’ll accept me there someday? I feel like I no longer want to live here on Earth, Oma. I’m very scared of losing in life. I sometimes feel I would contribute nothing here, Oma. What can I do? Someone else will be doing it better than me. Sometimes days are just hard; I don’t know whether it’s my hormonal cycle, but I just feel worthless. I’m afraid I could not be the fittest life partner to my current boyfriend as we planned. I’m terrified that I could not love my future job in accounting, or finance. I seem to like something else, but I’m too, too petrified to even pursue them. I don’t really am sure if I do have mental illnesses, but at days I just feel like crying and crumpling myself as if I’m a paper needed to be tossed away. Most of the time it’s just hard to be happy, Oma.

Oma, are you happy there? Are people in Heaven happy? As far as I know, if someone meets Jesus everytime, I know that person will be very joyous. Are you happy there, Oma? Will I be happy there?
Tell Jesus I apologise for wanting to die and give up so easily, Oma. Tell Him I’m sorry that I am me.

I miss you Oma.
Love,
your eldest granddaughter.

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